hunter
by overcrowdedbookshelf
Summary: High School AU-Castiel is a brainy kid, and when he's forced to tutor the new kid things become completely different than he imagined. Sexual content and angst, so be warned; i normally end up putting my characters in pain
1. Chapter 1

When I was little, no older than six, I remember that my mom had to work two jobs. In the mornings and afternoons she babysat some neighborhood children, and at night she worked shifts at the diner. My dad was always wasting our money with beer, he couldn't hold down a job to save his life. Along with me, my older sister Anna and my even older brother Gabriel, my mother would take care of other annoying kids.

There was this one little boy, maybe a little younger than me; he always came over with his baby brother. He would walk up to our house and hand my mom thirty dollars. A black car would drive away and the baby would be placed in a crib. The older brother would sometimes lie down on the floor and fall asleep; his eyes looked much too old for his small body. But other times he would be energized and he'd tug on my arms and we'd play heroes in the backyard. He taught me how to fight, and sneak through the house and steal cookies. I remember that his last name was odd, and I remember that he called his younger brother Sammy. My mother would scold him when he got into fights with other kids.

The little boy never talked about his mother, he even punched me one time for asking about her. But then one day he told me all about his dad. From his point of view his dad was invincible, he was a hero who saved innocent people and punished the monsters. I never knew exactly what his father did, but I remember thinking that none of what he did was legal.

Then one day the two brothers didn't show up, for three whole weeks there was no words from their father, then one day he called and said that they had moved towns and that they wouldn't need my mom to take care of them anymore. I ran away for a week when my mom told me they weren't coming back.

When I came back my mother was dead. She was hit by a car coming home one night after a late shift at the diner, the driver didn't even slow down. Anna didn't talk to me for a long time after that, she blamed dad. And to her I looked like him. Gabriel tried to make everyone feel better, but when no one would laugh at his jokes he tried for a cry for attention.

The neighbor's dog was mysteriously shaved in the middle of the night and the picture of mom on her wedding day was tapped against dad's liquor bottles. Dad never even looked up from the floor.

For a while things got better, dad was home more, and he actually brought home food for us to eat, and he smiled once at Anna when she showed him her missing tooth. But one night I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and I saw dad crying and clutching a picture of mom that was taken when I was in diapers. In the morning he dropped off some eggs and left to go God known's where.

I really didn't know how I handled my mother's death, I was six and I didn't understand what death was. Not until Anna screamed at me that mom was never ever coming back. I cried all night, Anna found me in the backyard curled in on myself, asleep under the stars. After that we became close again, but then dad started to drift away again and things got worse and worse. He stopped bringing home food and Gabriel was forced to get a job, and soon dad was only here once a week to see if we were still alive.

I never talked to anyone but Anna and Gabriel, everyone I just stared at. Anna said I would start school in the fall and that I would be in kindergarten. She said I would like it because I'm already so smart. Gabriel made me promise that I would never work while I was in school. He wants me to make good grades and do well in life, he wants' me to make something of myself. And all I want to do is make my mother proud.

"Mr. Novak, a word please," My Spanish teacher called up to me as the bell rang, signaling that his class was over. "I hear you're a brilliant student." I really don't like him; he's snotty and stuck up. He looks away from the blank stare I've mastered. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind tutoring a new sophomore in Spanish one," he smiles at me like he already knows I'll say yes.

"Sure I can." I grit my teeth, "Who is it?"

Mr. Jones smiles and pulls some kid into the classroom, "This is Dean Winchester." He's taller than I am, with broad shoulders and short brown hair. I look up into bright green eyes and my stomach clenches, "Dean, this is Castiel Novak, you're new tutor." Dean's eyes go wide and for a brief moment I see something flicker inside them. We leave the room at the same time and when he tries for small talk, I interrupt and tell him when and where to meet me.

I leave him standing awkwardly in the hallway; that was the little boy who carried a knife in his right boot. He was the older brother who pushed me down the stairs because I said that Sam didn't look like him, he was my first friend and the only person besides Anna and Gabriel that knew my mother. He cannot be here. I almost run right past my locker, when Anna grabs my shoulder and looks at me worriedly, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," the lie comes easy, "just have to get stuff to tutor this kid after school." I leave before she tells me I need to focus on my own studies, and not some random kid. She tries so hard to protect me, and I feel bad when I brush her off, but I'm just tired of being smothered.

I get home at 4:30, thirty minutes before Dean's going to be here; I gather all my old Spanish notes and clean my room. I also prepare the lie I'll use when he asks where my parents are. My stomach twists when I think of it; I hope Dean doesn't ask too many questions. I might not have all the right answers.

There's a knock on the front door and Gabriel get's it before I do, "Well hello-"

"Gabriel, stop bothering him, we have to study." I brush past my brother and pull Dean into my house and up the stairs, slamming my door behind us. I hope Dean didn't hear the noises my brother was making. I'm just not ready for him to know that I'm into the home team.

Dean's stretched out on my bed, like he's done it a million times before. But I don't think he remembers me, but then, "Didn't your mother use to babysit a bunch of kids? I think she use to take care of me and my brother."

I push down the rising tide of fear and nod my head, "Yes." even I notice the break in my voice, quickly I change the subject, "What kind of Spanish are you covering at the moment? Mexican/Spanish?"

Dean throws his arms in the air and his eyes are hard, unconsciously I scoot further away from him, "How would I know? I've been here for a total of three weeks and they already think I'm stupid."

"Well prove to them you're not."

Dean stares down at his hands, then he looks up at me, "I am dumb though, all I know how to do is work on cars, and take care of my baby brother and live in the real world. I manage to save enough money to feed Sammy and make sure he's happy, and I can balance a job and school, but if I can't fucking tell what shit is in Spanish then I'm the base of every blonde joke." I stare at him; I wasn't expecting any of this. I just keep staring, unable to respond to _that_. And the weird thing is, he doesn't look away, everyone looks away when I stare at them too long. "Cas," he says the old nickname he gave me such a long time ago. I've dreamt of a hot guy sitting on my bed with eyes like that. But I'm 99% sure he plays for the other team, "I'm only here so Sam will stop bothering me about my grades."

_Oh_, "So does that mean we're actually going to study?" Any reason to talk to Dean Winchester will be good enough for me.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Dean ignores me, and stares at the blank walls of my room, "I guess not, it doesn't look like you do. There's no pictures or random junk lying around. I've seen you around school since I transferred, the only person you really spend a lot of time around is that red head. Anna right?" I nod, I can't believe that he has been paying attention to me, or maybe he just notices everyone. "I remember a lot about this house actually. It was the best place Sammy and I had for awhile. Is your mom around?"

The silence around us stretches as I try to wrap my mind around what I was going to say. "She's dead, actually, for eleven years now." Dean looks away from me, and I want to comfort him, even though it's _my _mother we're talking about. "I remember her enough, and we have some home movies, so I don't miss her that much."

"My mom's dead too." for a moment my breath catches when he puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes reassuringly.

I move away from his touch, before I forget who he is, and who I am. I think, for a moment, he looks upset. Then he opens one of my folders and hands it to me, "I think we're doing something like this in class." Its basic verbs and I set the papers in my lap and lean against the wall.

My nose itches as I smell the dust, I look up and Dean's looking up at me expectantly, "Tell me a favorite phrase of yours."

I see him cock his head at me, but he doesn't question it, "Son of a bitch." he grins at me, and I stifle a laugh.

"Now say it in Spanish."


	2. Chapter 2

Apparently Dean is making an 85 in Spanish, I don't know what's so good about that grade, but he's happy and passing the class. Anna is nosey when Dean comes over, she doesn't remember him from when we we're little, but it's not him her eyes follow, it's me. "You've never even had friends before." She doesn't say it meanly, because it's true, I've never really cared about people. "You don't even like people."

Gabriel walks up behind her and pokes her in the ribs, "Oh I don't know...he probably likes certain areas of Dean."

Anna's eyes go wide and I feel my face growing hot, "Honey are you...gay?" when she says it, I see something in her eyes and it triggers my anger, which is a rare event. "I mean I never thought that-"

"Thought what? That your brother could be a fag?" This is not the way I was planning on coming out to them. I didn't mean to use the word _fag_, mainly because it's so blunt. I know that this must be a lot for her to process, but that thought is at the back of my mind and right now I'm just pissed for no damned reason. I storm out of the kitchen and my feet take me down the block, I don't know where I'm going but oh well.  
All of a sudden someone's in front of me, and a hand is gripping my left arm, "What do you want?" I growl at Dean. I notice that his car is idling at the curb; he must have jumped out of his car when he saw me.

"Whoa Cas, what's wrong?"

I try to brush past him; I really don't know why I'm mad. I'm perfectly happy with who I like...I just wanted to tell them on my own terms. "For your own good don't talk to me right now, I'm not in the mood."

He doesn't listen; instead he grabs both my arms and forces me to look at him. This makes me madder, it's his fault this is happening, if he hadn't stumbled back into my life then none of this would be happening. "Cas, come on talk to me."

"Talking to you is the problem." I glance up at Dean's eyes and see that I've hurt him, all of my anger fades, "I'm sorry, Dean." I step away from him and hug myself, It's too cold out to be outside with no sweater.

"I've got two ears."

I cave under those green eyes, "Sure, but," I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but there's no way I'm ready to go back home right now, "can it not be right here? Anna might want to yell at me some more."

Dean nods and walks over to his car. I've seen him drive it around before, and I remember that it was his dads. But there's something important about this car, something special. "Nice car." I say as I slide into the passenger side. There's nothing else for me to say, and I hope that he's better at conversations than I am."

Dean smiles, "Yeah, baby's a beauty; she's a '67 Impala. Dad got her when he was dating my mom, at first he was going to get some shitty van, but I guess someone awesome talked him out of it."

After that we drove in silence, and this time it wasn't an awkward quiet, it was comfortable. By the time he pulls into his driveway it's almost dark, and I can't make anything out of his house. Dean swings his long body out of the car and starts to walk up to the door. As I get out I notice him knock on the door in a pattern, and when the door opens a boy stands in the entry way looking curious. He's short, but he could be about twelve, he has long hair and big puppy dog eyes, "Who's this?" he doesn't sound like a kid.

I stand on the bottom step of the porch, "Sammy this is Castiel, the nerd that's been screwing with my brain." I blush and say hello to Sam, but he just sort of shrugs his shoulders and walks back into the house. "Sam's shy." Dean explains as he leads me into the house, it's not a bad place, but it's not nice either.

"Where's your dad?"

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth, Dean looks down at his hands on the counter, and fiddles with his keys. "Jail." Dean stops me before I can say anything, "But as far as the schools concerned he's on a business trip and will be back any day."

Dean walks to the kitchen and gestures for me to sit down on the couch, when he comes back he offers me a beer. "I've never had beer before."

"Shocking." I turn to glare at him, but instead I find him staring at me and I turn away blushing. "You know, when you have a beer you don't _have _to get drunk. It's just a whole lot more fun."

I take a swig of the beer and instantly make a face; it tastes like what I imagine piss would taste like. Dean laughs and flops down onto the sofa, "After a while you won't taste it anymore."

Four beers later and I don't even realize that my bottles empty until I go to take a drink and nothings there. We haven't talked like we said we would, but to just forget about my problems is good enough. Dean opens up another bottle and hands it to me, "Trying to get me drunk Winchester?" I don't know why I said it, but once I do I roll with it. "It will be a whole lot harder to get my pants off."

Dean freezes, with his bottle halfway to his lips. I blush and try to stand up, but I find that my legs don't work and I fall back onto the couch, "Cas, I-" Dean places a hand on my thigh and I squeak out something that I need to call Anna real quick.

She picks up on the first ring, "Castiel where are you? I'm coming right away, don't worry hun.

I shh her and she starts to notice something is off, "I'm fi-ne." I hiccup and she explodes.

"Castiel Jimmy Novak! Are you drunk?" I hear noises on the other end of the phone, and I guess Gabriel is trying to take the phone away from her, but she continues, "Are you with Dean? So help me I will kill him."

"Anna I'm ok, I promise." she doesn't believe me and tries to get me to tell her where I am, "No, I'm staying here tonight. God Anna let me do something for myself every now and then. You forced me out of the closet, and now I just want to be alone for a while. Ok? So calm down. Nothing's going to happen just because he's a guy. So let me have ONE MOMENT OF FREEDOM!" I hang up the phone and glare at it.

Then I remember that Dean's sitting next to me and he just heard me say that I'm gay, and most people tend to not like that. But when I look at him, his face is normal, except for tightness in his knuckles.

When Dean and I finally get up from the couch, he leads me down a back hallway. I stumble after him and run into his back. Dean opens a door and peaks in. I see Sam asleep in his bed, he's snoring and he's using a book for a pillow, and his pillow is next to the wall.

Dean quietly closes the door and opens one further down the hallway, "This is my room." he explains. It's mostly empty, but there are a few decorations on the wall. Posters of classic rock bands hang next to a book shelf and I'm fairly surprised that he has books. There's one at my feet and I bend down to examine it. _Mythical Lore and The knowledge of Gods_.

Dean picks it up and throws it next to the bookshelf; I don't have enough thoughts right now to care what those books mean. Dean falls onto his bed, which is quite small, and makes room for me. I lay down and we're barely touching, but it's enough to send pleasure through my whole body. We stare at the dark ceiling and I tug on my shirt, it's too tight, "What happened to your mother?"

It takes me a while to remember what Anna told me, "She was hit by a car coming home from her second job." I roll over and prop my head up on my arm, "The driver never slowed down."

Dean inhaled, the rise and fall of his chest started to lull me to sleep, "I'm sorry 'bout that."

I shrug and lay back down, "I was seven." His jaw tightens, "Do you remember your mother?"

"Not really." He reaches in his pocket and pulls out his wallet, "This was taken a couple weeks before..." he shows me a picture and I see the same long lashes and plump mouth.

"She was very beautiful." Dean nods and smiles.

"When I was four there was a fire in Sam's nursery. Mom was in there and dad came running out. He handed me Sammy and told me to run and not look back. I didn't look back until I was outside and I saw the fire growing through the house. Dad came out, but mom never did.

"After that we moved around a lot, dad did odd jobs...sort of like a hit man really. He even bought and sold cursed objects." Dean laughed and I looked over and saw a single tear on his cheek, "He was a terrible father, he raised Sammy and me like soldiers. We never got to have a real life. I use to idolize him for fuck sake. He drank too much and even abused drugs too...he even let me do it with him once. That was the only time he ever looked me in the eyes. I was twelve, I had to go to the hospital and he was thrown in jail and we were put in an orphanage. Sam was almost adopted, but they didn't want to take me, so we ran, been running since. Two years and I'll be legal and I can give Sam the life he deserves." Dean rolled over and faced me

My heart felt like it was about to explode, Dean didn't deserve to put his life on the back burner; "Anna and Gabriel are doing the same thing for me, Dean." He knows this already, and waits for me to get to my point, "I know how Sam feels. You have to let yourself be happy every now and then, I know he must be very grateful and I know he must love you a lot, but he wants you to have a life of your own too."

Dean reaches over and traces the outline of my jaw lightly, "You were on the phone with Anna earlier, right?" I nod, "So you're gay?"

I jerk away from him and sit upright so fast my head spins, "Is that a problem?" I hold my head to keep the floor from moving.

Beside me Dean sits up and props his arms on his knees. "Kind of," I feel the breath get knocked out of me, "but mainly because I am too, and I can't keep my hands to myself _and _I just got out of a bad relationship."


	3. Chapter 3

I'm 17 and I've never been kissed, which isn't surprising. I told Dean this last night and he didn't laugh. "Great now I have to give you an awesome first kiss you will never forget and you'll tell your grandkids about the first guy to stick their tongue down your throat."

Last night I fell asleep with my head on Dean's chest and his hand in my crazy hair. In the morning he made me and Sam breakfast, I tried to help, but after the first two eggs ended up on the floor he laughed and told me to sit in the living room with Sam.

He's actually really smart for his age. He knows Latin, which is strange, and he told me he wants to be a lawyer when he grows up. After we eat breakfast, Sam asks if he can go over to a friend's house, and Dean only agrees when he learns that it's a girl Sam likes. "I met her the first week we were here. Her and her mother came by and brought pie!" I'll make a small note that Dean must be in love with pie. "She asked to see our dad, but I told her he was away, of course. I caught Sam staring at Jessica from his door; he doesn't talk about anything else."

Dean said he doesn't have to work today, so we sat on opposite ends of the couch and watched old movies. For some reason he was convinced that he could beat Batman up, and during a rerun of cops he picked up the phone and left the room for a couple minutes, but other than that it was a fun, lazy day. Every now and then I'll catch Dean looking at me, and his eyes will be dark. I always blush and look away. I'm not use to attention, and it's better if I just ignore this.

When he's about to drive me home, we linger by the door, "When will Sam be home?" I'm stalling and he knows it, but I'm nervous. I know he's going to kiss me, and I know I'm going to mess it up.

Dean shrugs, "Well it's only three, and I told him to be home at three thirty. So about four?" I laugh and I realize that I'm trapped between the door and Dean. He leans in close to me and I press up against the door, "It only takes twenty minutes to get to your house and back." he whispers in my ear, and I shiver. If I move just a fraction of an inch to the left then his lips will be on mine, and just the thought of him pressed up against me has my pants getting tighter.

He reaches up and cups my neck with one hand and the other plays with the end of my T-shirt, his fingers brush against my hip and I suck in a breath. The hand on my neck grabs my chin and forces it up, our mouths meet in the process. His lips are softer than I expected and when his tongue darts between his lips and into my mouth, I let mine explore every inch of Dean's mouth. He makes a soft noise, like a growl, and pushes me hard against the door. I bite his lip and he grins against our lips. His knee works between my legs and he slides it between mine, and I can feel every inch of Dean.

Dean breaks away from the kiss and plants small ones on my throat, my hands slide up under his shirt, and I feel the hard muscle on his stomach. When he sucks at my collar bone I would have fallen if I hadn't been pinned up. When Dean's hands trace their way under my shirt fear prickles at the back of my mind, but I push it away. My lips are back on his and his hands reach around to grab my shoulder blades and push up even closer together. But I realize my mistake a little too late. Dean pulls away, his eyes look confused and he untangles himself from me, "Cas?"

I want to explain, but my body freezes, and I pale and slide down the door, until I'm sitting on the ground. Dean kneels in front of me and stares at me, "Take off your shirt Cas."

"You want to stare at my perky boobs?" I try to smile, but it comes out strained. Dean glares at me, "Fine." I stand up and in one swift motion I slip my shirt off and turn around so he can see the scars.

Two red lines run the length of my shoulder blades, like my wings were ripped out. I feel warm hands on my skin, and I realize I'm shaking. "Cas?" I turn around and see the worried look on Dean's face and he guides me to the couch.

I've never had to talk about that night, Anna and Gabriel were there, there was never any reason to think about it. Until now. "The night my dad left for good was the night I died."

Dean takes his hand off my arm, and I don't have to look at him to know that he thinks it's a strong metaphor. It's not.

"Dad was drunk again, and Gabriel wasn't home. Anna and I were sitting in her room, trying to not make any noise. I fell asleep, Anna didn't. I woke up to her screaming as dad picked her up and started yelling at her. Everyone says that she looks like my mother and he wasn't yelling at Anna. 'You left me with these Goddamned kids who hate me, and I don't know why you left.' Or something like that. I hit him, but I was only a kid, and he sat down my sister and she ran to the kitchen and called Gabriel. We locked ourselves in my room after that and waited for him to get home and talk some sense into dad.

"Gabriel got home just as dad zipped up his suitcase. We could hear the yelling as if we were right next to them, I heard something heavy hit the floor and I told Anna not to come out of my room. I found Gabriel with a cut on his arm, and a bruise already swelling on his cheek. I was going to help him, but dad picked me up and started shaking me. My head hit the wall behind me and then everything just stopped. For a split second I saw Gabriel stare at dad with such a dark hatred in his eyes for a twelve year old boy. Dad was looking at me with fear." My hands were shaking and I pulled a pillow into my lap and gripped it hard enough that my knuckles turned white. "When my parents were married someone gave them a hat hook, just two hooks for two hats."

Something wet landed on the pillow, and I realized I was crying, "Dad left when he saw all the blood. Gabriel called 911. I was dead for seven minutes. I was in the hospital for a month.

"Gabriel told them that someone broke in and tried to steal something. We paid for it with all of dads stuff and lied when they asked where he was. I've never heard or seen dad from that night. He probably thinks I'm dead and that's fine with me."

When I finished I was consciously aware of how quiet it was, "Well I'll just..." I stood up and reached for my shirt, but Dean's hand stopped me.

"Cas, I-"

There was a knock on the door and we both jumped, before any of us gets a chance to open the door, Anna slams it open. Gabriel is standing behind her looking amused, That's when I realize I'm not wearing a shirt, and Dean's hand is on my chest.

"Castiel Jimmy Novak," Anna yells at me.

Quickly I step away from Dean, as if his touch burned me, "Please Anna-"

"Shut up." Her face was as bright as her hair, "You do not leave the house all angry and go over to your boyfriends. AND YOU DON'T GET DRUNK AND STAY THE NIGHT."

"He's not my boyfriend." I shoot back, Dean makes a noise beside me, but I ignore it, "I wasn't drunk, and nothing happened."

Gabriel peeks over Anna's shoulder and grins, "The lack of clothes suggests that _something _did happen Cassie."

Anna tries to talk again, but Gabriel pats her shoulder and sits down on the couch like he owns the place. Dean looks over at Gabriel terrified, "Hello, I'm Cassie's older brother and I _don't _like dick."

"Gabriel!" Anna and I yell at him in union, and she smiles at me for a second.

Dean laughs and flops down on the opposite end of the couch, "Sorry Gabe, I think your kind is out numbered at the moment." Leave it to Gabriel to make a bad situation better with jokes. If anyone else had broken up Anna's tantrum then there would be hell to pay, but he seems to know what's important to everybody. Dean looks at Anna and gives her his full smile, "Why don't I make some sandwiches, give everyone a chance to get to know me."

Gabriel laughs and I blush and slip my shirt on over my head.

The front door opens and Sam peeks his head in, "Dean, is there any food?" The little boy completely ignores the fact that any of us are here, or maybe he just doesn't mind, "Jessica's mom said I would eat them out of a house and home."

Monday at school I sit at Dean's lunch table, I don't know anyone because they're all sophomores. They stare at me and ask Dean why I'm here, "Because he is." In fifth period he was switched into my art class to make room for the shop class he wanted. He sat down at the back of the class next to me. I could feel his eyes on me when no one was looking. Near the end of class an old friend sat down in front of me and swiveled in her seat to look at us.

"Are you two a couple?"

"A couple of what?" Dean leans back in his chair and looks at her between his long lashes.

She growls and I smile at her to let her know he's joking. Before her dad died she and I had been close, but after...she didn't talk to anyone for quite some time. "Castiel is one of the nicest guys, and if you hurt him-"

"I got this lecture from Anna, missy. Calm down. We're not even dating."

She smiles at him, "I'd hate to have to hurt that pretty face Dean."

Dean sits up and leans in close to her, like he's going to tell Jo some secret, "Well there was this one really hot make out session where he ended up without a shirt-"

"Dean!" I know my face must be red, but Jo laughs and sits back in her chair, the bell rings and Jo leaves without so much as a goodbye.

Dean lingers around the art room, waiting for everyone to leave, and he leans down and kisses me lightly, "Want to be my boyfriend Castiel?"

I look up at him, and my heart flutters, "Yes." my voice hitches and I blush again, "Get to class Dean."

"Bossy, I like that."

I shove at him, and can't help but smile, "Then you'll love to drive me home today."

He laughs and grabs my hand as we walk out of the classroom, "Ok, Sam's got some dorky play practice 'till six. So I'm all yours."

The rest of the day passes by quick, and by the time my last class rolls around I'm all jittery. Mr. Jones isn't here today, and he left an elderly lady in charge. Unwise choice. My class is in chaos, I hear something about a party on Friday, and try to read my book for English. I shiver suddenly, and look up to see Meg Masters standing above me, "Hello Clarence."

"It's Castiel."

She ignores that and leans down on my desk, giving me a look inside her low cut shirt, "So my parents will be out of town Friday, I'd love for you to come to my party."

I don't care to look at her chest, or her face, so I stare intently at my book, "Maybe." I tell her and she leaves. I don't care much for parties. Loud music and alcohol aren't my two favorite things. However Dean might want to go.

When we get to my house Gabriel is in the kitchen looking at bills, when the kitchen door closes he looks up and smiles at us, "Play date?"

I try to say something, but Dean gets there before I do, "Study date. Completely different." he winks at my brother and takes the stairs two at a time. I close my door behind us and turn to see Dean in his usual place on my bed. "Are we actually going to study?" he whines.

I raise an eyebrow at him, "Is Dean Winchester afraid of books?"

He picks on up from my bed and flips to a random page, "No he hates them, see the difference?" I move a few book and sit down next to him, "We could study," Dean leans over and I can feel his every breath, "but what should we study?" I suck in a ragged breath and force out some shaky laugh. "We could go over Spanish nouns. Or I could study what makes your eyes close." He puts his hands on my hips and traces circles along the bone. For a moment my eyelids flicker closed and he kisses my neck, "That's one." he murmurs into my ear.

"Dean stop-" he licks my jaw line, "stop toying with me, I don't like it." Outside a car starts and backs out of the driveway. Now I'm alone in my house with Dean Winchester in my bed. I know what kind of studying I want to do. As if he reads my mind, Dean leans over me and pushes me flat against the mattress. His mouth is against my throat, trailing kisses further up, and when he reaches my mouth I capture his tongue. His lips are soft and warm. I taste inside his mouth and he tastes like mints and beef jerky. I have enough brain energy to wonder when he ate it, but then his knee slips inside mine, and I make a noise that I'm not ashamed of.

He's being so slow with me, as if I would break, "Sit up." I whisper, taking charge. Dean looks at me with a question on his lips, but he does as he's told. I scoot up and sit on his lap, "Take your shirt off." He does in one quick motion and I can't help but stare at how perfect he is. His muscles are tan, I see a scar on his shoulder and I kiss along the jagged line. I can ask about it later.

I look up and see Dean waiting to be told what else to do. I lick my lips, suddenly unsure of how to proceed. I cock my head to one side and hair falls into my eyes. Slowly I take my shirt off, I'm pale and skinny, no once of muscle anywhere. When I look at Dean, I feel a blush creep its way up my neck. He's looking at me the way I was looking at him, as if he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Dean's eyes are blown dark with desire and I pull him back into a kiss that's long and rough, skin slides against skin, and I can tell that I'm not the only one liking this.

"Fuck Cas." Dean's moan is barely loud enough for me to hear, but I do and it sends a shiver through my spine and I lean down and press open mouthed kissed to his collar bone and chest.

Dean's hands are in my hair and I don't ever remember hair pulling to be sexy. I open my eyes and Dean is staring back at me. My blue eyes looking deep into bright green starbursts, "You're beautiful." I tell him quietly, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Dean laughs and shakes his head, "Don't waste complements on me Cas baby."

I start to object, to tell him that it's not a waste, but he pushes me on my back and after that I don't even have enough breath to breathe.


	4. Chapter 4

On Thursday night I'm on the phone with Dean and he's trying to convince me to go to the party tomorrow, "_Dean I don't party_."

He just ignores me, "Think about it, everyone will be there and there's guaranteed booze."

I think of my father and how he was an alcoholic, "Who will watch over Sam?"

Dean's quiet for a full minute and I think I've won, "Would Anna? I can tell she has a soft spot for the kid."

"Anna's not going to let me attend a party."

"Lie to her."

The thought of it is just revolting, "I don't like lying." Dean sighs and I hear him put down the phone, when he comes back he sounds different.

"Can I come over and talk about this in person? Doing it over the phone is annoying. Sammy's already asleep and I'll be at your house for a maximum of twenty minutes, I can sneak in through your window if need be."

"My room is on the second floor."

Dean chuckles and I find myself smiling at the thought of him climbing up here, "I can handle it baby." Reluctantly I agree. "Be there in a few, I'll park a block from your house."

Fifteen minutes later my window slides open and Dean crawls through it with no problem, "So do I have to worry about bailing you out of jail?"

Dean grins his evil grin at me and I laugh. He steps over to me and plants a quick kiss on my temple before falling back on my bed, "Meg herself invited you, right?" I nod, "Cas, you know friends normally are a good thing."

"You don't have a lot of friends, Dean."

"You should work on your pillow talk. I'm finding myself uninterested."

"Shut up." I shove him and he grabs my hand when I pull away, "Dean, I've never _even _been to a party."

"So I'll be your first everything?" I snort back a laugh and I see that Dean didn't mean to make it sound like that. His face is flushed and I poke him in the ribs.

He yelps, and tells me that if I'm going to poke anything then it better be better than that, "You're such a pervert Dean."

He stays until a little after three, before he shimmies out the window he kisses my roughly and I trail my hand down his side, "G'night Dean."

"Sweet dreams Cas baby."

Saturday when I wake up I'm seized with a sudden spike of panic, I almost throw up. But then I see Dean lying next to me and I relax. The party, right. Dean opens one eye, "It's kind of hard to sleep with you staring at me like that."

"I don't remember leaving the party."

Dean sits up and stretches, "I decided it was a good time to leave after you puked on Meg. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome, but some people were being bitches about it." My mouth tastes bad, and I have the faint impression of yelling, but that's pretty much it, "You have sex hair." Dean lies back down and closes his eyes, "Now if we were to have sex, I'd probably be in a coma right now."

"Oh you know I'd rock your world honey." I bend down and kiss him, "Where was Sam last night?"

Dean sits back up and pulls on an old shirt lying on the floor, "I don't know. Some geeky friends of his were talking about staying up and watching scientific documentaries." I frown at him and he cards my hair, "I have to take you home in a bit, Bobby called me in and I have to do something at the scrap yard today."

"Who's Bobby?" I stand up and try to find my shoes. They are nowhere in sight.

Dean picks up the sheets that ended up on the floor and hands me one shoe, "He's my boss, and he's a mean old fart, but he's Bobby and he grows on you."

I find my other shoe on top a stack of Dean's books, "Why so much mythology?"

For a moment his shoulders tighten, and then he grins at me, "It's fascinating."

At the party Dean had made his claim on me public, at first people were shocked. Not only was stud Dean Winchester gay, but who even was the boy with dark hair and bright blue eyes? A few months after that, around April things cooled down and no one seemed to care that we held hands in the hallway. Most people were concerned with who was on bottom.

Apparently dating Dean came with a few perks, I had more friends than ever, and I realized how much I've actually been missing. This junior, named Balthazar has gotten it into his mind that we're best friends. He's pretty cool, always coming up with crazy and rash ideas, but he makes up for it by annoying the hell out of Meg. Jo and I start talking again; her mom never lets her out of her sight so we mostly talk in between classes.

When Dean invites me to see Sam's play I'm surprised when Anna and Gabriel show up too. At the end Gabe stands in his chair and claps and calls for an encore. Anna smiles at Sam and we all have dinner at my house. During the clean up after dinner Anna starts to joke around with Dean. By the end of the night she's warmed up to him, and lets me stay over on Friday nights.

On those nights we normally just watch bad TV while Sam reads on the floor. We never went farther than we did that one night, and that was just one intense make out session. He hasn't pushed for more, even though I can tell he's gone all the way before. On Sundays he's off from both his jobs and we drive around in the country. Sometimes we park and study each other, but most times we sit under a tree on some lonely back road and just talk to each other.

Dean finally told me that his dad wrote to him the first week they were here; he was out of jail and wanted to see his sons. Dean replied back with a one word letter. No. After that I've gotten him to open up about his mother. She must have been an angel the way he describes her, perfect in every way. I started to remember the good times when my mom was alive. When my dad hadn't needed alcohol to be near us. I told Dean about her funeral and how dad cried over her casket and hugged us all and told us how much he loved us. He was drunk then. I remembered the smell of whisky on his breath.

I feel better after I've talked about it, for so long I've kept everything bottled up, never wanting to bother someone with the nonsense in my head, but Dean just sits back and listens.

On the last day of school Dean walks into our 5th period art class, Jo moves over so there's space for him to sit next to me. "Look at this." He's smiling from ear to ear as he hands me a wrinkled piece of paper. I smooth it out and grin, "My first A."

Jo wrinkles her nose when he kisses me, "Guys, no PDA, please. You're making me feel lonely. I haven't had a boyfriend in two years."

"That's because they all know your mother would castrate them if they even went near you."

"Shut up Cas."

The art teacher takes roll and puts in a movie. When the lights flicker out, Dean moves his chair next to mine, "So Sam's leaving for some camp tonight."

His hand slips in between mine, and I squeeze tight, "Sounds fun, what camp?"

"Nerds gone wild, I don't know, but I was wondering if you could come over tonight. I know you normally do on Fridays, I just wanted to make sure."

"Yeah, Anna's working late, and Gabriel doesn't care. I think I've got some clothes left over at your house, but nothing to sleep in."

Dean leans over, where his mouth is right next to my ear, "That's ok."

I blush and jerk away from him. I see Jo give us a weird look, and smile at her, "You're such a pervert Dean Winchester."

"Obviously."

That night, Dean's in the kitchen heating up dinner when there's a knock on the door, "Get that for me, will you?"

I stretch when I get off the couch, and open the door Anna is on the porch, her arms are wrapped around her waist, and her face is pale. She sees me and tugs me in for a hug. "Anna what's wrong? I thought you were working until nine." She's shaking against me and I barely hear what she has to say.

"Dad's dead."

I guide her to a chair and she doesn't seem to notice that she's sitting down. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying, "How do you know?"

I hear the front door open again and glance up at Dean, "What's going on?" I mouth to him that I'll tell him later.

"I got a call at six, and they said that he's been in the hospital for a while now, and he passed away this morning, the only reason they knew to call us is because he had our pictures in his wallet." She must see my look of confusion, "He must have found us online and gotten recent pictures of us, of you too Castiel."

She and I sit on the porch for a long time, "Cas, come home tonight."

"No." I shake my head and give her a sad smile. I don't want her to see me cry over this. I bend down and kiss her forehead, "I love you Anna."

She gets up and heads to her car, "I know." And then she's gone and I'm standing alone on the porch. Warm wind hits me and I close my eyes, dad knew I was alive and he never even came by...

When I walk back into the living room Dean is sitting on the couch eating. "I'm not hungry." I say when he offers me a plate of food in front of me.

"Maybe later." He sits it on the coffee table and makes room for me to curl up next to him, "Cas baby what's wrong?"

I tell him and he strokes my back when I start to cry, my eyes hurt and it feels like I can't get enough air, "I didn't even love him!" I scream, "After all this time the sick bastard can still make me hurt this much." When I can breathe again and the tears stop, I'm left with an empty feeling in my chest.

I fall asleep on the couch, and wake up when Dean carries me to his bed, "Dean." I reach for his hand and pull him down next to me, "I'm cold."

He scoots closer to me and I feel the warmth radiating off him, "Better?"

I wake up a few hours later when the bed gets cold, "Dean?" I look at the clock and it reads 6:20, "I didn't know you had to be up this early today." my voice is dry from sleep.

"Bobby called, he said he has something for me to do right away. He walks out of the bathroom and I wince at the light. "Go back to bed, you can let yourself out later." he kisses me goodbye and I roll back onto the mattress.

"I love you." For a moment I think Dean's already left, because it's unbearably quiet, but when I sit out of bed he's standing next to the door staring at me, "What?" I snap at him.

"You said you love me."

_Shit. _That was the first time either of us had said it. I burry my face in his pillow and hopes he leaves for work and forgets that I said it.

"Cas." he tugs at my shoulder, "Cas come on look at me."

I groan and roll over, "Yeah?"

"Did you mean it?"

My heart starts pounding; there is no way I'm getting back to sleep when he leaves, "Yeah, Dean. I did."

"I'm not a good person to love Cas, I'm messy. I get angry, we're going to fight. It's just who I am. And what I do, you deserve better. I'm not good enough for you baby."

I get out of bed and shuffle over to where he's leaning against the door, "You can't honestly believe that, Dean." I grab his face in my hands and kiss him, "Dean don't even think that. Not even for a minute. You're wonderful, and brilliant, and so kind. I see through the wall you set up for the rest of the world, I know how much you care, and I know that it hurts you to care, but you have to believe me. I don't pretend with my emotions, I love you Dean Winchester, and like it or not I'm here to stay."

Dean stiffens under my touch, and I wipe away the one tear from his cheek, "What if I was different Cas? What if I had a different job, what if-?"

"Well you work at the scrap yard, and anything would be better than that." I laugh and he relaxes and leans down to kiss my temple.

"Love you too Cas baby." After he leaves I slip back into bed and lay down on his side of the bed. His smell still lingers, I close my eyes and dream.

_In my dream I'm standing in a house, watching two kids play. It startles me when I realize it's Dean and me. He has a wood stick and is making faces at me, "I stabbed you that means you're dead now."_

_"I don't feel dead. Are you sure, Dean?"_

_The little boy throws his stick down and stomps off, little me follows behind him. Running to catch up, "You don't play right." Dean sounds upset._

_"Well how do you know what dead is 'spose to be like?" I trip over my feet and Dean stops and helps me up, "I don't think you play dead."_

_ Suddenly the background changes and I'm standing in a dark clearing, Dean is standing beside me, his clothes torn and bloodied. "You don't seem to know how to be dead. I'll help." he grins and steps towards the three others. He's out numbered, but that thought doesn't seem to register with him. "Ok fangs; let's play with the big knives." He pulls out a machete and chops off a head without even blinking, "Careful, it's sharp."_

I jerk up in bed, sweating. "What the hell?"


	5. Chapter 5

I walk home at nine, unable to fall back asleep. Anna already left for work, but Gabriel's car is still in the driveway, "Hey Cassie, just getting home?" he wiggles his brow and grins at me. I glare at him and he laughs, there's tightness in his shoulders. "How are you doing little brother?" I know he's talking about losing dad, not that we ever had him before.

"I'm ok, just you know..." I let the end of my sentence hang in the air.

Gabriel grabs his keys from the kitchen counter and pulls me into a hug, "Glad to hear it." When he leaves I go up to the attic and pull down my parents wedding album. I can only look at the first couple pages because the rest are torn out. I wonder when dad did this, how long after she was gone did he try and erase her from his life? As I get up something falls from the self.

Bending down, I see that it's a picture of our whole family. I must be around one, no bigger than I am, just a baby. Dad's holding me in his arms, smiling bigger than I've ever seen. Mom is standing next to him, laying her head on his shoulder. Anna and Gabriel are on the ground. Gabriel is holding Anna; his face is full of wonder. I can't help think what went wrong.

When did this life become too much for him? I push back the voice in my head telling me it was the extra kid that shoved him too far. Two kids in diapers, and one just going into kindergarten, maybe if I hadn't been born, dad would have lasted longer.

I clean the house, having nothing better to do; eventually I get bored of the quiet and walk downtown. I almost go into Starbucks, but when I see Meg and her friends I find another coffee shop. At noon Dean calls me, and I hear the sound of the impala in the background, "Hey babe," he pauses, "where are you?"

I turn around, away from the noise of the other patrons of this shop, "A coffee shop on sixth street."

"Sounds interesting, I've got to rebuild an engine today, and cut off a catalytic converter in an old Camaro. I won't get off 'til late; can I pick you up then, around 11?"

The chair next to me scrapes back and I turn to look at the new comer, he has short blonde hair and dark eyes, "Yeah, I guess." I hang up the phone and look back at the guy next to me, he's unnerving.

"Hi," his voice is dark, "mind if I sit here?" I shake my head and take a sip of my coffee.

I look down at the book in my hands and turn the page, not really reading the words. I can feel his gaze on me. I sign and dog ear my spot, "Do you want something?"

He smiles at me and grabs my arm. I jump and try to stifle down a yell; "I want you to call me." he uncaps the sharpie I was using to annotate my book and writes down his number. I stare at him in shock. He laughs and tugs me closer to him, his mouth is right next to my ear, "If you and the person you just got off the phone with don't work out," he pushes me away and stands up, "Call me handsome." he leaves and I stare at the place where he was.

"What the hell is happening to my life?"

I walk home, still nursing my coffee and watching my feet. Every now and then I'll glance at my arm where the offensive numbers are. My stomach heaves at the thought of me and Dean not working out. I want with my whole being for us to work out. When I get home, the house is still empty and it's sometime between four and five.

Too lazy to do much of anything I take a shower and scrub at the sharpie on my arm; it doesn't come off, only fades a little. After my shower I change into my new jeans and a long button up shirt. Anna's home when I get back downstairs, she's quiet, but already has dinner on the table, "Do you want to wait for Gabe, or feel up our plates now?"

I shrug and she makes me a small plate, and one for herself. We eat on the couch, and she just pushes her food around, "How was your day Anna?" I put my plate on the floor and cross my legs on the cushion.

"It was good, a dioxin was able to go home today, and we got the stitches out of a collie. No new dogs came in."

Anna works at a veterinarian's office as a secretary. She has to put on a happy face for all the people that come in everyday, "How are _you _Anna?"

She turns to me and smiles, "You know, when I first heard, I was relieved. He had lived this long, after what he did to you, now he get's what's coming to him." She takes a big breath, and when she exhales, somehow she looks smaller, "But then I thought, if I could think that of my own father, what kind of person does that make me?" She takes my plate and gets up. "I don't know how he must have been feeling, or what he was thinking in those last moments, but I hope he thought of us, and what he did. I hope he asked for forgiveness."

Anna gets up and starts the dishes, I'm tempted to follow after her, but I don't, up in my room I unbutton my shirt and look at the number on my arm. Why now? Nobody has ever noticed me before, why now? Quickly I jot down the number and turn on my stereo.

Dean calls me, about an hour later. I roll off my bed and sit on the ground, my back against the wall, "Yeah?" I stare at the wall, there are cracks in the plaster, and the only thing in my room, besides the bed and dresser, is a small desk.

"Are you hungry?" I hear the sound of the impala and know that he's driving over here.

"Don't park in front of the house, and no. But if you're hungry then I go where ever you want to." My comforter is plain white, and in perfect order. The floor is clean and organized. Books are stacked on the ground by the headboard. I hang up and sit down on the floor, still staring at the number. I glance up and count the ceiling tiles, in my life nothing has ever come without a cost. I ranaway with my fears and when I came back my mother was dead. In kindergarten we were free of my father, but I had died. Now I have Dean and I wonder who's going to die.

Dean comes in through the window and I laugh at him, "Seriously, have you ever done this professionally?" I toss the book I was holding and stand up to hug him, "Today was weird."

He pulls back and raises an eyebrow, "Oh really? Pray tell gossip girl."

I shrug and pick up my long sleeve shirt from the floor, "Nothing really, just...weird." I stare at Dean's hand on my shoulder, "What?"

He picks up my wrist and looks at the phone number on my arm, "So, Ellen's?" Dean turns away from me and tosses me his jacket, you might get cold. He climbs out of the window, when I follow him down, he doesn't look at me.

"I told him I had a boyfriend." I say as I slam the passenger door shut, "He just kind of grabbed me." Dean's hands tighten on the wheel and I fight back the panic in my stomach, "Dean?" I reach out towards him, but he only starts the car and slams into drive.

"What'd he look like?"

I roll my eyes and cringe when he I realize he's serious, "I don't know, Dean. In was too busy having sexual fantasies about my hot boyfriend to notice such a thing as another human being."

Dean eases into a stoplight and looks over at me, "To be fair, I told you I was possessive." the light changes and Dean accelerates, "You look nice by the way."

I blush and look down at myself; I was wearing it because Anna said I looked good in dark clothes. It made my pale skin and dark hair stand out, "Thanks."

At the roadhouse Dean and I slide into the same side of a booth, a waitress comes over and smiles at us, "Hello kid, who's this?" she points her pin at me.

Dean grins back at her, "This is Castiel, Ellen."

"What can I get for you hun? We got anything you like?"

Dean orders while I look down at the menu, "Milkshake?"

"Sure thing Cas. Don't cause any more trouble Dean." She clicks her pin and walks away.

"Come here often?"

"You bet he does." I look up and see Jo sliding into our booth, "Always coming in here and hustling the pool table. Hey Cas how are you?"

I shrug, "Good, what are you doing here?" I'm surprised; she said that her mother never let her out of her sight.

Jo smiles and leans across the table, like she's going to tell me a huge secret, "My mom is Ellen." She leans back in her seat and pulls out her pocket knife, "Mom got the place after my dad died. Said she wanted something to keep her busy." She flips the knife between her fingers effortlessly.

"Jo," Dean looks at her, kind of like he looks at Sam, "We're on a date."

She laughs and I blush at the table, "Really? To the roadhouse this late, that's so romantic Dean. God I wish I was your girlfriend."

Someone clears their throat; I look up and see Ellen standing with our food. She gives me mine, but holds onto Dean's, "Joana Beth, leave these two alone. And Dean, not that I mind the business, but next time take this boy somewhere nicer than a bar." she sets his food down and leaves.

"I was joking, Dean." Jo gets up and walks away, I hear her mother tell her to clear off a table.

Dean shoves some fries into his mouth, "I was going to bring you somewhere else, but I wasn't dressed to go anywhere." he attacks his burger and I steal some of his fries to dip in my milkshake,

"I think it's nice here. It's more cozy than some restaurant." Dean smiles a bit, like a little kid, "Did you have anything else planned for tonight?"

He burps, and I flinch at the smell, "I had something in mind, it's kind of different, but I still think it will be cool."

"What is it?" After he finishes his food we leave and he drives me towards the edge of town, and parks outside an old warehouse. "So you're going to murder me?"

"The cops always blame the boyfriend, and I wouldn't be good for prison. I'm pretty. Anyways I found this place before we started dating, there's some awesome stuff in here too. I thought we could look around."

I know it sounds odd, but it's actually fun. At first we don't find anything and Dean grabs my arm when a cat jumps out of an empty locker. On the second floor Dean finds some old books about mythology, and I find a trench coat that looks pretty bad ass.

Later when Dean's hand accidentally brushes against the back of my pants, I grab his wrist and shove him against the nearest wall. We make out for a while, until Dean makes me laugh when he trips over his own shoelace.

"It's not funny Cas."

I'm holding my sides, trying not to laugh, "Oh yeah, that's why I'm doubled over laughing my ass off. The first time you trip around me is when you're trying to grope me in the dark?" Dean frowns and I hold back another bust of laughter.

"I wasn't groping you."

I cross my arms and smile at him, "Tell that to my dick."

Dean grabs my hand and we walk up to the top floor, "Wow this isn't freaky." the top floor is completely open, and there's only a pile of junk in the far corner. When we walk closer I see a pile of bones I really hope isn't human.

Dean bends down and reaches into the box next to the remains, "Awesome." he picks up a necklace, and hands it to me, "It's an amulet, defiantly not pagan." I raise an eyebrow at him, "You've seen the books in my room, don't judge me."

He hands it to me and I hold it up close to my face, "He look familiar?" I ask, on the string is a gold horned man.

I hand it back and he slips it over my head, "Never seen him."

Dean drives me home really slowly, sometimes I catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, then I'll trail the hand over the side of his stomach and he'll shudder and close his eyes briefly.

We're almost to my road when he suddenly pulls down a side street and into an empty driveway. Before I can ask him what he's doing, his lips are on mine and I respond to it right away. When I pull away his eyes are glazed and I blush, "What was that for?" He shrugs his shoulders and leans over to bite my lips. Dean pushes me down in the seat and he's straddling my hips as best as possible and we fog up the window in no time.

When we're done making out we're both sweaty and tired, and I'm considering going to sleep right here; with Dean on my chest and the feel of him breathing against me. The smell of his clothes is familiar, and I can feel his pocket knife in his pocket. All we did was kiss, and grind, but all that matters to me is that I'm here, with Dean, and that's all I could hope for.

When I make it back up to my room I step down to my boxers, the covers too hot to me, I dream of Dean that night. When I wake up I smile, because I have my dream.

In the morning I wake up cuddling Dean's leather jacket, for a moment I wonder how I got it, then I realize that he let me keep it on the walk back to my house, "Keep it, you're cold and if you're sick I will not be around for that. I can't take care of Sammy with a runny nose." He got back in the car and drove away; I stood in the road for a while after that. His jacket was too broad for me, but it smelled like him, and was warm. I hope he doesn't ask for it back too soon.

A couple weeks later I'm sitting on the floor in my room studying for my SAT when my door opens and Dean walks in. "I thought you had to work today." I clear him a space next to me. He sits down and lays his head on my shoulder.

"Bobby gave me a few hours off; he said I was working too hard." I look at the clock on my wall and see that it's just after two.

"Don't you want to go home and check on Sam?"

Dean shakes his head, "Sammy's alright, and he might get worried if I show up at this hour. Besides I haven't seen you in a few days." Five days, I lean into him and smell his scent, "I know you're busy studying for the test, but an hour won't hurt right?" He smiles at me and I shove the book in my lap to the floor and crawl into his lap.

The kiss is long, and sweet, his hand is tracing patterns into my back and I pull away from him, to where our foreheads are touching, "So what's new Cas baby?"

I slide off of him, and can't think of anything. I've been holed up in my room with these books for company, "My birthday is in a week, on Thursday, I'll be eighteen."

Dean straightens up and turns to look at me, "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" he looks upset and I grip his hand, "What do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing, I promise." I laugh at him, "You don't have to get me-"

"Yes I do." he interrupts me, "Because I love you, so you can shut your mouth and be happy about it." He gets up from the floor and starts to dig through my dresser. The only thing personal in my room is a picture tacked to the wall. It's of me and Dean a week ago. We're sitting in his living room, and Sam snapped the photo.

Dean's head is turned away, his arm around my shoulder, and I'm glancing at the camera. A smile on my lips.

Dean gives up and stands above me, "Tell me what you want."

_You_, I think, "Nothing." I stand up and I noticed that he's grown a few inches, now he's taller than me.

But he must have read my thoughts, because he moves closer to me and clenches his hands around the material on my shirt. "Tell me what you want." He whispers in my ear and I close my eyes and lean away.

"You have to be at work soon."

He stops with his lips just a breaths space from mine, "Bobby said a couple hours. And while I am amazing in any area, I think that is more than enough time." He rolls his hips against mine and I step back to where I'm sitting on my bed. I don't trust my legs to do their job.

He leans over me and forces me to lie down on my back, his chest pressed up against mine, he ducks away when I try to catch his lips, "Anna and Gabriel are downstairs." My breath comes in short burst and I'm so going to make him regret teasing me like this...later.

"Then be quiet already."

"I have to study."

"It's the start of fucking summer, and your hot boyfriend is basically begging for some action, and you're thinking about school work?"

I lean up and press my lips against his, and I feel him lean deeper onto me, and I close my eyes, only to see flashing lights behind my closed eyes. I smile into our kiss while my hands roam over his shirt. I can feel the heat of him even with all these clothes on. He moves his mouth away and trails it down my jaw line, taking care not to leave marks. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. Dean places his palm on my cheek and makes me look him in the eyes.

God those eyes. Green deeper than I've ever seen stares back at me. I see freckles along his cheeks and nose, each dot a constellation on beauty. His lips are pink and round, his lashes are long and dark, but the bone structure of his face is all to masculine. I know Dean must be looking at me, the way I am doing to him, and I don't know what he must be seeing that's good.

I feel Dean's phone go off in his pocket and he sits up and answers it. After a minute he gets up and leaves, and when he comes back he's smiling at me, "Who was it?" He sits back down, next to me.

"Bobby called, something urgent came up, it's out of town, and I'll be gone a few days."

"Since when do mechanics go out of town for business?" I laugh, but he doesn't."

Dean stands up and grabs the jacket he left with me a couple weeks ago. He slings it on and kisses my temple, "I'm going to tell Sam, love you Cas baby."

And then he's gone.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean doesn't call that night, or the next, I'm not worried. I don't remember doing anything wrong. But when I don't hear from him for a couple more days I start to sweat. Of course I don't let Anna or Gabriel see, Dean's phone will ring once, and then go to voicemail. I know for a fact that he always has his phone on him in case Sam is in trouble. On Wednesday I'm not scared anymore, It's been five days since he last spoke to me and for all I care is that he never calls again.

It's not true of course. I just have to lie to myself to keep from crying.

On Wednesday afternoon I'm sitting on the floor beside my bed looking at the amulet Dean found on our date, I tried to research him, but I couldn't find anything. I don't know what else to do, if I leave my room I might break something, or I might break.

I didn't eat yesterday or today yet. My stomach growls and as I walk downstairs no one talks to me, I flinch when I see myself in the mirror. I need to shave and a hair cut would be nice, and I forgot that I'm wearing one of Dean's old AC/DC shirts that he let me borrow. Nothing looks good to eat, so I just grab a loaf of bread and head back upstairs. Tomorrow's my birthday and I guess I get a broken heart.

After I get cleaned up and eat half a loaf of bread I feel a little bit better, so I decide to wander around town. I walk the couple blocks to sixth street and order some coffee from the same place as last time, the guy from last time isn't here and I'm a little disappointed at that. I could use some cheering up right now. The coffee is too hot to drink right now, so I walk a few blocks taking small sips every now and then. The sound of the city is quiet today, I can hear birds and the kids playing at the park, I smile and turn a corner on impulse and freeze. The impala is sitting outside of a gas station; he's just getting out of it when our eyes lock. I stand there frozen to the spot on the sidewalk and I can feel my coffee slipping through my fingers. It hits the ground and I don't even notice. Dean stands up and I catch a glimpse of blood on his clothes; I almost throw up. Dean calls out to me, he tells me to wait.

I run.

I duck down a side alley and lean against the brick wall. My breath is coming up short, and I start to see black spots in my vision. I cradle my head between my knees. It doesn't help, but if people do walk by, then they won't see the tears.

Someone runs past the alley, and then I hear him call out for me. After a while, when I'm back under control, I walk back to where I saw Dean, some part of me wants to see him. I want to grab him and never let go, but I know that's never going to happen.

It's starting to get dark by the time I get home. I eat dinner with Anna and Gabriel, they wish me happy birthday for tomorrow. I open a small box, it's a blue tie and I hug them both, a little longer than I should have, because when I let go Anna gives me an odd look. Upstairs I lay down on my bed and think of how Dena called out to me, like I was the one who had hurt him. And when I start to cry I have to press my face against the pillows so they don't hear me downstairs.

I must have fallen asleep because suddenly I'm being woken up by a hand shaking my shoulder, "Stop Gabriel, I'm sleeping." I open my eyes and it's not Gabriel. Dean is standing there, my window open and I move as far away from him as I can.

My back is pressed against the wall, and I'm hugging my knees, Dean's eyes look incredibly sad, "Cas baby let me-"

"Stop." I interrupt him, "If you wanted to break up with me there are better ways than just avoiding me."

"That's not." I glare at him and he stops.

I can feel every shard of my heart flutters, "Why are you here?" he looks away from my stare, something he's never done before, "What did I do to make you stop loving me?" I look up and see him physically flinch. I realize my hands are shaking so I clench them into fists.

Dean walks over to me and cups my cheek, "Why did you run today?"

"It's clear you're avoiding me. I was just helping you out."

"I was busy."

"For five straight days?" I yell at him, "Who were you busy with?"

He ignores the jab, "I was hunting, I couldn't call you, I almost died."

"Did you call Sam?" Dean's silence is answer enough, "I get it, one phone call could have scared off Bambi."

"I wasn't hunting deer." his voice is quiet, and for the first time I look at the way he's holding himself. His arm is cradling his ribs, and there's a slump in his shoulders I've never seen before. There's a giant bruise on his jaw.

"Animals don't fight back like that, Dean."

"You've never seen this kind of animal." he shakes his head and starts toward the window. I get up, blocking his path, he smells like dirt and sweat. "Forget it, I should have called, but now it's too late, so just forget I ever came here tonight." He shoves me out of the way and I just barely catch what he says as he slips down the side of the house.

"Cas baby, if only you knew."

I takes me ten seconds to throw on a pair of shoes and climb out of my window. For a second I'm dizzy by the height, then my legs are dragging me down and somehow I'm on the ground.

Dean's already in his car when I get there. His head is resting on the wheel, and he jumps up when I open the passenger door, "Know about what?"

The first thing I notice when I sit down is the unmistakable smell of blood, "A demon?"

I laugh, what else am I 'spose to do?

"Look at this." Dean gets out and I tenderly follow. He opens his trunk and it's the same as always, until he lifts out the fake bottom and I see an arsenal.

I trip over my own feet as I try to back away; I fall on to the curb, "OhmyGod."

Dean kneels down in front of me and I flinch, "Cas." he says gently, there's a journal in his hands, "This is what I wanted to show you." Slowly I reach for it, half expecting it to reach out and bite me. I can barely read it in the moonlight, but I see enough.

"No, no no no. You're insane." he shrugs, "Monsters aren't real." I tell him, but as I say it, my mind clouds and I start to wonder what if? "No."

"I'm sorry, but I hated lying to you." he reaches out and cups my cheek, I lose my breath and I lean away from his touch. My head starts to swim and black dots crowd the edge of my vision, Dean says my name, and the last thing I remember is him catching my head before it hits the concrete.


	7. Chapter 7

The sound of papers rustling and a book shutting wakes me up; I smell whiskey before I open my eyes. An older man is sitting behind a desk in the corner. I turn my head and see the stacks of books on the floor. "Well look who graced us with their presence."

I prop myself on my elbows and look at the man again, "Where am I?"

"My house."

"And you are?"

He picks up a bottle of jack and drinks from the neck, "I thought that boy said you were smart." My eyes widen, so this must be Bobby. He sees the recognition on my face, "Do you believe Dean?" I nod, there's no reason why I should, but I do. Bobby shakes his head, "Do you plan on going to college?" Again I nod, "You won't be able to if you stay with him."

I sit up and glare at the old man, "I'm sick and tired of everybody telling me what I can and can't do. It's my life and I'll do what makes me happy. Dean makes me happy."

"Hunters don't get to happy!" he barks at me, "They die young or they live long enough to be like me, lonely old farts who's dying of liver failure. Sure Dean could spend the rest of his life with you, but he may only live a few more years. Or who knows, maybe he'll get you killed and then he wouldn't be any use to the job anymore."

"Where's Dean?" I'm starting to hate Bobby, he seems like a nice guy, but I don't want anyone telling me how to live my life. I want Dean; it's as simple as that.

Bobby doesn't answer; he gets up and leaves the room. A couple minutes later Dean walks in, his hair is wet, like he just got out of the shower, "Hey."

"Hey." Looking at Dean I see how easy it must be for him to lie to the world. He doesn't have a father and the only family he's ever had was Sam. I'm probably the only person he's told everything too.  
All of a sudden my palms are sweaty and I feel a blush creep up through my neck, "I think Bobby likes you. He called you an idgit." Dean stands a few feet from me; he looks uncertain, "I can understand if you want to break things off. I know how much you have planned for yourself."

"You don't think you're in my plans?" I take one step forward, leaving only a foot between us. Dean shrugs and inches a little bit closer, "Dean you're everything I want."

I pull on his jacket and hug him, "I just thought that maybe, when you knew the real me, you wouldn't love me anymore."." He ducks his head and I grip his chin, so he'll look at me.

"Dean Winchester, you never lied about loving me, you just didn't tell me what you did, I still love you."

Dean honestly tried to get me a birthday present, but it's ok. He promised to let me drive the impala one day soon, and I know how he acts towards that car.

Tomorrow is my SAT, right now it's rainy outside and I can't focus on my textbook because Anna is breathing down my neck. And there's the fact that Dean's on another hunt and today was the day he planned on being back. So far I've only gotten one text from him, _just a few goblins, check on Sammy, love you_.

I know that I'm going to do well on this test, but with Anna hovering over me, and not knowing is Dean is ok, I'm nervous as hell.

I get up to get a glass of water and when I turn around Anna is right there, "Your test is tomorrow, Castiel."

"Oh my, is it really? I should probably write that down somewhere."

She sits down opposite of me and watches me flip through the pages, "Do you need me to quiz you." I shake my head, "Why are you turning the pages so fast, you can't even tell what's on them."

"I went over this last night."

"Oh," then, "Make sure on your essay you right about religious history, everyone likes that." My phone buzzes on the table, "Who's that?"

I glance at the screen, _Back home Cas baby, come over if you can, I want to-_

I blush and glance away from the screen. I close my book and stand up, "I'm going over to Dean's. He's back now."

Anna blocks the door, "No Castiel, your SAT is tomorrow."

"I've been studying for two months straight; I need a break before my brain melts." Anna doesn't move, "I'm going to see Dean." I say more firmly, "I haven't seen him in a week," I step around her and she grabs my arm and stops me, "please Anna."

"You are not throwing away your future for this nobody!"

I jerk my arm from her hand, "He's not a nobody, he does so much for everyone. I know Anna, I know you wish you had my life, and maybe if our dad hadn't been an alcoholic and killed me then you could have gone to college. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed dead!" I throw open the door and glare at her, "Then I wouldn't be a burden to you."

Gabriel stands up and looks over Anna's shoulder, which is impressive given his height, "Don't you dare say that Castiel Novak."

Anna starts crying, "I just want what's best for you, and Dean's not. He's a mechanic, sure he takes care of his brother, but the first time you were over at his house he got you drunk. I don't want all this work we put into you wasted on some boy. I've held my tongue, but not anymore. Sit down Castiel, and continue to study, because if you walk back out that door, don't bother on coming back."

I turn away from her, so I don't have to look at the tears tracks on her pale skin, and close the door behind me.

Dean's phone buzzes in his pocket, "Cas?"

"It's Gabriel, Castiel left his phone here and I need to talk to him. He left in such a rush I didn't get to yell at him."

"Cas isn't here, what happened? Is he ok?" Dean turned and saw Sam give him an odd look, he smiled, "Nothing's wrong, eat your dinner." Dean walked back to his room and shut the door, "What happened?"

"Well he wanted to go to your house, but Anna blew up, you know his test is tomorrow, and she said a lot of mean things... basically told him that he can't see you anymore and when he opened the door she told him not to come back." There was a muffled yell behind Gabriel, and Dean couldn't find any words. "She says she didn't mean it, I want you to tell him that, tell him he's welcome back home whenever he wants, but I also want you to tell him to call me so I can yell at him."

"Why would he call you if you plan on yelling at him?"

Gabriel laughs, "Just make sure he gets to his test tomorrow."

Dean ended the call and grabbed his keys in the kitchen, "Don't wait up, lock the door after me."

"What's going on?"

Dean slid into his jacket and turned up the collar, "Cas is just being an idiot right now, I'm going to pick him up."

Sam stood up, "Can I call Jessica?"

"I thought she was mad at you right now? Something about Ruby?"

"She kissed me, for no reason!"

Dean opened the door, "It's not your fault, girls cave under those puppy dog eyes." He drove around town for nearly an hour, Dean even checked Cas's favorite coffee shop. The sun was almost down, and Sam would start to get worried if he wasn't home soon. Quickly Dean made an illegal U-turn and slammed on the breaks.


	8. Chapter 8

When I left the house I had intended on going over to Dean's, but when I looked up I saw that I had walked almost out of town. To my left was the warehouse where Dean and I went before. For a moment I was tempted to go inside, but I felt a chill run down my spine and I kept on walking down the road.

I heard a car go past me, but I didn't look up from the blacktop. I didn't want to draw attention to myself, but then the car turned around and I looked up to see the impala stopped in front of me. "Cas?"

"Dean?"

The engine stopped and Dean got out of the car, without the motor on it was suddenly too quiet, "What the hell are you doing all the way out here?"

I walked over to the car and braced my arms on the roof, "I didn't know I had walked out this far, I just needed to clear my head, Anna told me not to come back."

"Gabriel called off of your phone, he said she didn't mean it, and that you should go back home Cas baby.

I glare at him, and he walks around the hood and stands in front of me, "She said you weren't good enough for you, Anna wanted me to break up with you."

"Family's important Cas, don't throw that away for me." Dean opened the door for me, and I obediently got in. "You don't fall for a hunter and not lose someone you love. Most likely I'll live the rest of my life with you, but you could never live the rest of yours with me. Dean starts the engine back up and we drove in silence for a while.

"What if I was to become a hunter?" I brace my hands on the dash as Dean slams on the breaks.

Dean turns in his seat and glares at me, I feel his cold stare deep in my soul, "You are never going to hunt. Do you hear me? I'm keeping you safe; I'm never going to let you live this life style."

That night I stay over at Dean's and he drops me off for my test in the morning and kisses me good luck. After the test is over I walk back to my house and grab a backpack and stuff it with clothes and my toothbrush. Dean isn't home when I get to his house, but Sam is and I make him a late lunch. We watch the history channel for a while until the phone rings and Sam leaves the go over to Jessica's.

I leave the living room and turn on the shower.

I don't hear Dean get home, or even open the door to the bathroom, "Are you staying over tonight too?"

"I slip and almost break my neck; I peek over the shower curtain and see Dean in the doorway, letting all the steam out, "If it's ok with you." I shut off the water and reach around for the towel I left out earlier. It's not there, "Give that back Dean."

"Sam isn't here Cas."

"Great observation, now give me the towel." I'm growing cold and I can tell Dean is smirking.

"I've seen you in boxers before, it's not much difference."

"I'm naked."

"Wow you shower naked? I would never have guessed." He steps further into the bathroom, "Cas," he whines, "It's not like I haven't seen a dick before."

I look over the curtain again, and glare at him, "You're dirty."

"Well I did just get off work at the scrap yard. I probably need to take a shower." Dean takes off his shirt, and I see the sweat on his skin.

I throw open the shower curtain when he has his head turned and grab the towel from his hands, "I probably used all the hot water." when I safely have my towel wrapped around my hips I turn around and see Dean staring at me, a hungry look in his eyes. I blush, "What?"

Dean pushes me against the wall and kisses me like his life depends on it, "You're so beautiful Cas." I lift my hands from my towel and press myself closer against him. He's sweaty and I'm wet from my shower, and our skin slides together in a pleasant way.

"So are you Dean Winchester." I drop my hands back down to my towel when I feel it start to fall. Then I nudge Dean away, "But right now you smell, so take a shower. I'll make something edible for dinner."

Dean takes a long shower, and when he's done I have dinner made. We eat on the sofa, and watch bad TV. Sam comes home a little before seven and he sits on the floor reading.

The next day I walk back over to my house to get a few of my books. Dean said I could stay for as long as I needed, and he even mentioned letting me move in with him.

Thankfully no one is home when I push open the front door; all of my study books are in the same spot that I left them. When I walk into my room, I can tell that Anna's been sleeping in my bed. My sheets are twisted around the base of the bed and the comforter is pushed up to the headboard, she has always slept like that when things are bothering her. I grab a few books, behind me the door opens and I spin around. Anna is standing in the hallway, her hair is wild, and there's a mixture of shock, and sadness on her face. "Cas?"

I jump when she speaks, I was expecting her to yell at me, to scream, anything but sound broken. "I was just leaving." I don't look at her as I try to push past her, if I do I might just stay.

"Please, Castiel, don't push me away."

I want to look at her, to smooth her wild hair, but I know she's never going to change her mind about Dean, "I'm not letting Dean go."

"You're letting your future go."

"No I'm not, Dean is my future, and he would never let me quit on school.

Anna lets go of my arm and I walk past her. I don't focus on anything but the floor beneath my feet. It's hard to not go back there and tell her anything she'll want to hear. But somehow I close the front door behind me and make it to Dean's house in only 15 minutes.

That night Dean leaves for a hunt after getting a call from Bobby, "What's wrong?" my throat is thick from sleep, but I woke up when I felt Dean get off the bed.

"Windego, next state over. Bobby called, I have to leave now."

My stomach tightens and a chill runs over my body, "Who's going with you?" Dean doesn't answer, "You told me about Windego's, you can't go alone Dean. It'll tear you apart." I sit up in bed and grab his hand. He lets go and throws on a shirt.

"I'll be fine, it shouldn't take more than a couple days to track and fry the SOB." Dean smiles, like he always does when he talks about killing something. "Will you stay and make sure Sammy eats his vegetables?"

He knows I will. "Someone should really go with you."

"Bobby is busy at the wreck yard, and the next closest hunter is three states away, it will be quicker if I just go now Cas baby." Dean has both his boots on now and he leans down and kisses me lightly, "Fire is my bitch."

I watch him leave, and the sinking feeling in my stomach returns, I hear the impala start up outside and in a minute Sam walks in and sits on the end of the bed, "Where's Dean going?" Sam rubs sleep out of his eyes and I almost don't want to tell the kid that his brother just left to go kill a very deadly monster.

"Windego, next state over, should be back in a few days."

Sam's eyes widen, "He went alone didn't he." I nod, "Of course he did." the kid gets up and slams the door behind him. Same loves his brother so much, I see how bad it is when ever Dean leaves and he won't even leave his room for less than ten minutes. I want to go and talk to him, to tell him something that will make him feel better, but there's nothing. So I lie down and go back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean comes back in three days, with only a sallow gash on his hip, he looks fine. Sure I freak out and baby him, but he's back and I've begun to think of living here for the rest of the summer.

A week before school starts Dean drives Sam to the mall to get new clothes because he's grown four inches over the summer. Dean complains about it, because he's not a girl and he shouldn't have to step foot in a mall. I laugh and tell him to bring me back something nice.

While they're gone I clean and order pizza for the three of us, when the doorbell rings I open it and it's not the pizza man.

Anna is standing on the porch, "Hi Castiel." she smiles at me and reaches out to touch my shoulder, but draws back. Things have been hard between us, we've barely spoken to each other since the fight, and we've come to the agreement that I can stay here as long as I check in every couple of days.

"Castiel what are you going to do about school?"

I let her inside and I stretch out on the couch and she sits on the edge of a bar stool, "The plan is still the same; I'll just have a different route home."

She sucks in a breath, "About that," Anna looks at me, actually looks at me, "I don't think we have the money to send you to college. Maybe the first couple of semesters, but after that...With dad's funeral, and the payments on the house, I don't know how we'll be able to do it." I see how this is affecting her; all her life has been trying to better me. "And if we can't make it work then I'm ok with that." she looks like she's struggling to look happy, so I get up and stand next to her, "I just want you to be happy."

"I am." Anna smiles at me for the first time all summer.

She stays for a while longer, only getting up to leave when Gabriel calls and lets her know that he burnt down the house. We both know this isn't true, he probably only burnt his finger, but still, she gets up and I walk her to the front door. She grips me in a bear hug, and when she lets go I kiss her temple, "I love you big sister."

"Same here little brother."

I stand on the porch for a long time after she's gone and just stare down the road where I last saw her car. I walk back into the house and pick up the cold, forgotten pizza. It's about ten thirty when I realize that Sam and Dean should be back by now. I call Bobby and he sounds shocked to hear from me, "You mean no one's told you yet?" he grumbles into the phone and tells me to get a jacket and to meet him outside in ten minutes.

I throw on my trench coat and pase back and forth on the porch until his headlights sweep in the drive way, and I'm in his car even before he's completely stopped. All my mind can think of right now is that something got Dean, something got to my family. I start to picture something ripping into Dean's perfect skin, and Sam lying torn and bloody.

On the whole ride to where ever we're going Bobby won't look at me, when he parks at the hospital I almost throw up, but then my feet are carrying me inside and I ask a nurse where Dean Winchester is. She looks startled when I run up to her, but she tells me the room number.

I run up the stairs two at a time. Sam is sitting outside of a door, his head in his hands. He looks up when he hears me, but he just as quickly looks away.

It's quiet when I open the door, only the sound of a machine telling me of Dean's heartbeats. He doesn't wake up when I grip his hand, so I just sit down in the chair next to the bed and stare at the wall.

"Cas?" I must have fallen asleep, because Dean is tugging on my arm, and telling me to wake up.

My head snaps up and I sit up in the chair, "Dean, what happened?" he looks fine, except for the bandage around his hairline.

"Demon came out of nowhere and tried to get at me, threw me against a wall and started telling me that I sent his lover back to hell. I told him he couldn't have a lover with that face, he then commenced to banging my head against the wall repeatedly. I may or may not have a concussion, the doctors say I do, but I think it's because I didn't get to eat dinner last night." I laugh and the tension in my shoulders eases. This is how Dean reacts to everything.

Dean looks away from me and pulls his hand from mine, "What's the matter?" Something doesn't feel right.

"Bobby was right," I feel my chest tighten; "hunters can't be in love, we can't afford to hurt other innocent people. Cas baby," he curls his hands into fists, almost as if he's in pain, "we're over."

"No."

I shake my head, if I don't hear it, then it won't happen, "No Dean, shut up, I don't care-"

"And one day that's going to get you killed. There are other demons out there, and all of them hate hunters. I can bet you that the next one will use you to get what he wants from me. Cas leave."

I feel like I'm going to puke, "Dean please," I know I'm crying, and I don't care, "you don't mean this. You _can't _mean this."

This time when he looks at me, there's disgust on his face, "I said leave Castiel."

I don't know how, but I end up in the parking lot, I scrape my hands and knees on the asphalt, then I puke up whatever is left in my stomach.

Somehow I find my way home, I stumble up to my room and don't even try to make my bed, I just fall down on the ground and curl into myself. I hear Anna knock on the door and for me to explain what's going on, but I can't. Because she was right, Dean Winchester broke my heart and I don't know what to do with my life now.


	10. Chapter 10

The next day I walk over to his house, when I know he should be at work, but when I get there he's just getting out of his car. He sees me right before I was going to run away. "I told you Castiel, stay-"

"Away from you. I know. I thought you weren't going to be home." I don't look at him, I can't. "I just wanted to get my stuff." my voice is shaking, and I know he can hear it.

I look up t see Dean take a step towards me, "Cas," he doesn't pull me in close, "you will get over me," he looks at me, "just like I got over you." I look up at him and every ounce of my rage rises to the surface. I don't know whether I'm going to punch him or jump on top of him.

I step right in front of him, and punch him across the jaw. He staggers back and I stare in disbelief, "What the fuck Cas?" he rubs his jaw, and I punch him in the gut.

"You don't have the right to call me that anymore." he doubles over and groans. I rip the amulet off my neck and throw it at his feet. Dean stands up and glares at me, he raises his fist and I knock the feet out from under him, "Drop my stuff off tomorrow, assbut, and don't ever see me again."

I walk away; I focus on the throbbing in my hand to keep my feet going west, towards my house. If I let myself think about anything else, I know that I'm going to go back and beg him to forgive me, to take me back. Even though I still love him, I don't want him anymore, and that's the thought that sends me over the edge and I black out.

It's dark when I wake up in my bed at home, and I know who brought me home, because there's a box of my belongings next to the door.

When school starts I can barely force myself to get out of bed, I haven't gone through the box yet.

Anna drives me to school and whishes me luck, I should really get my license, or a bike.

I don't see Dean all way, a few people ask about him, and I have to force a smile and tell them that we aren't together anymore. No one seems to see how broken I am. Jo gives me an odd look, but I ignore her calling my name and run into the closest room.

When I'm about to start walking she catches my arm, "Castiel."

"Jo." I step around her and she walks next to me.

"What happened between you and Dean?"

I don't think I'll ever be in the mood for this conversation, "He changed his mind, I might have broken his jaw, let's leave it at that." Surprisingly she does and I'm left alone to my thoughts. Gabriel's home when I walk into the kitchen, he's looking through the mail and I'm fairly surprised to see him with such a serious face.

He glances up when I sit down across from him, "Do I need to do anything?" I decide to tell him everything, well almost everything. I tell him that I feel like my chest has caved in and I can't breathe without smelling him on my clothes. I feel like everywhere I look he's lurking just around the corner, ready to come back to me and say how much he loves me. The worst thing is that I know he's never going to say those three words to me again.

I leave out how I threw up in the bathroom at school, all day there was an empty desk next to me and I couldn't handle it. Balthazar came in and gave me gum. But I wouldn't answer any of his questions and he left.

"I don't know what to tell you, I've never been in love, time heals all wounds, even if there may be scars. But right now we can egg his house if that will make you feel better."

I found out later that Dean decided to get his GED, he moved towns, and Bobby closed his door to me.

At the end of the year I graduate at the top of my class, I go to Stanford and Anna and Gabriel couldn't be prouder that I graduated two years early and get a job at the local hospital in town. At the age of 26 I'm the youngest doctor on staff and at the age of 30 I'm living alone with a stack of lore books cluttering my apartment from top to bottom.

Sometimes Bobby will call me if there's anything close by, I told him to never mention me to Dean, even if he asks about me…I told the old man I'm over Dean, but I can still see the scars like the ones on my back. I'm not saying I haven't had a boyfriend, and one time girlfriend, since Dean. But I haven't loved anyone since him, not in the same way. Not even close. After all, you can't have two soul mates.


	11. Chapter 11

It's 2:30 a.m. when my phone buzzes next to my bed and I leave for the hospital, someone ran into a bear apparently. The ER is abuzz and I know how many bears are in this part of South Dakota. I have questions.

The guy is flipped over into his stomach so I can sow him back together, he got out lucky. Whatever did this wasn't playing around. In the morning when I get back to the hospital for my regular shift, there's yelling from down the hall, "Get your damn machines away from me, I'm fine."

I freeze in the doorway when I hear that voice. It can't be.

He's older now, twelve years older to be exact, but I could never forget him. "Sit down so you don't tear open your stitches." Dean freezes when he hears me, but I don't think he recognizes me, I've changed a lot since he last saw me, "If that happens you'll have to stay here a lot longer than necessary. And I want you out of my hospital as fast as possible Dean.

That's when he gets it, he gets who I am, he shuts up and sits down.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I made the nurses leave, and now it's just me and him, I close the door. So if I punch him I won't get fired. "My hospital." Dean looks away from my glare, just because I still have feelings for him doesn't me I don't hate him. "That's not a bear bite, looks more like ghouls were dinning fast."

"How do you know that?" he looks angry, his hospital gown is being torn apart at the bottom.

I shrug, "I've had my share of fights, most of them try to finish before someone stumbles up on them."

"Why are you hunting?" I should have expected him to ask this. I check his blood levels and they're normal, so I jerk out his IV. "Ow."

"Don't be a baby."

"Why are you hunting Cas?"

My heart almost stops and I have to grip the chair next to the bed. I look at him, actually look at him. His muscles filled out, his hair is darker than I remember, and I see a piece of twine around his neck. "Because demons killed Anna and Gabriel in front of me. Just because I said I had no idea where you were. Apparently you're a big deal. I got away because Gabriel tripped him. The demon snapped his neck like a twig.

"I could hear Anna's screams as I ran out of the warehouse."

I can feel Dean's eyes on me, "I'm sorry."

"It was two years ago, it wasn't you fault. I should have just ended it when I had the chance." I walk out of the room before I can hear his response to that.

When I get home my hands are shaking and I go to the bathroom and puke. I had acted like seeing Dean hadn't bothered me, but oh God how badly I had missed him. I sit down on the couch, I don't even hear the knock on the door, I just feel a hand on my shoulder, "Cas, didn't you hear me?" I jump and slash a knife at the hand that grabbed me. "Whoa man calm down."

"Don't do that." I snarl

Dean's standing in my living room smiling at me, "Long time no see Castiel."

"I'm not the one who made it that way." the bitter remark made its way out of my lips without me thinking.

Dean ignores it and walks towards my fridge, "Got any beer?"

"No. Wait how did you know where I lived?"

"Staff room in the hospital." He opens my cabinets and starts pulling out random boxes, "Also says you're top surgeon and you've been detained for having sex in the storage room."

I blush against my will, "It does not say that." he shrugs, "What are you doing here?" I snap.

"Wanted to catch up with old friends."

"We weren't friend's assbut."

Dean gets up from where he seated himself on my couch and walks over to me, "Yeah well, I actually heard there was another hunter in town, wanted to see who. Didn't think it was you."

"And you thought I was lying back there in the hospital?" again he just shrugs, "You came here for another reason. What is it?"

"Money's tight. I was hoping the other hunter would let me crash at his place for a couple days."

"What about Bobby's?" Dean gives me a look, like I should know why Bobby doesn't want him at his house. "Fine then. Just be gone quickly, you're not exactly the person I want to see right now." I lean my head to the side, "Or ever." I gather my work papers and slam the door to my room. Dean Winchester is the biggest ass I've ever met.

About an hour later there was a timid knock on the door, "What?" I always thought he would just barge into my room, like he use to.

I shake my head and brush off those memories, Dean comes in, "I wanted to uh, apologize about earlier. I haven't needed to...actually socialize in a while. So sorry" He looks around the room and nods, "This doesn't look like your old room." my breathing catches when he sits down on the opposite side of the bed.

"That was a long time ago Dean. Everything in my life is different from the last time we spoke." My voice comes out harsher than I intended to, and I catch Dean flinch at my words. Something inside me wants to make him hurt more, but I knock that aside, I could never actually harm someone...well a human.

"Anything drastic? Tattoos, missing body parts, or change in sexual orientation?"

I nearly choke, "Uh no."

He chuckles and leans back against the headboard, "It's still so fun to make you embarrassed."

"Well it's not fun to me, and I don't like it." I glare at him, "Please leave my room."

Dean gets up and looks upset, "I didn't think, I'm sorry man." He opens the door and turns around, "Might want to get an antipossesion tat, I've got one." He pulls down the top of his shirt and there's a black tattoo above his heart, I nod my head and he leaves the room. I ball my fists into my book and blink back the tears that sting my eyes.

Around midnight I wander into the kitchen and I can't find anything I want to eat, on my way back to my room I see Dean asleep on the couch. His shirt is off and he's drooling a little bit onto my pillow, but he's way to tall and his legs hang off starting at about the knee. For a moment, I just stare at him.

He jerks away and he reaches under his pillow, "Cas?" his voice is so thick from sleep, and I'm not even sure he's fully awake, "Cas baby come back to bed, we have class tomorrow."

My stomach heaves and I drop the coffee cup in my hands. It shatters to the floor and Dean sits up straight, "What's going on?"

I stoop down and start to pick up the sharp pieces of my mug, and I don't even realize that I'm crying until Dean's arms are around me and he's swiping a few tears away, "It's fine, I just need to clean this up, I'm fine." But I don't get up, I just cling to him.

"I'll clean it up." Dean whispers and takes what I have from my hands and finishes the job. When he's done I've stopped crying and He sits down next to me, "What was that about?"

"Just a dream." I don't look at him.

"You were sleep walking?" he sounds like he doesn't believe me.

I get up and shuffle back towards my bedroom, "No." and shut the door.

In the morning Dean's not here and something in me wishes that he was.

I don't have to work so I ride my bike to Bobby's to ask him if there's anything I can do for him today. When I get there, there are low voices coming from his den, and I creep around the corner to listen, "Why didn't you tell me he was a hunter." that's Dean.

"Because you made it pretty clear that you didn't want to see that boy again, and I thought that if you knew you'd throw a hissy fit like the little girl you are." Bobby sounds upset with Dean. I don't blame him, everyone saw how Dean's and I breakup effected me.

I could tell Dean was losing his temper, "Bobby!" I called and walked into the den and looked surprised when I saw Dean, I don't look at him, "Anything for me today"

"Yeah Cas," he looks between Dean and me and I give him my unfixed stare, "There's omens two towns over, demons I think. By the looks of it maybe three or four."

"Ok I'm borrowing the mustang." I pull my trench coat up further on my shoulders.

Bobby grabs the keys from my hands, "You and Dean go together, back each other up."

Dean laughs and I glare at the two of him, "I'm fine Bobby, I can handle a few demons. Last week I took on four by myself."

"And they tore into you like cake at a fat girl's birthday party." I role my eyes and it's his turn to glare, "I don't care what crap y'all got between you, just get a shovel and take care of these demons."

"We'll talk the impala."

It' parked around back, that's why I didn't see it.

We drive in silence, until about a mile from where we think they're going to be and Dean pulls over, "Can you keep up?" I turn to glare at him, "Sorry, I just don't want to have to watch both our asses."

The hunt goes well, Dean gets cut on his arm, and he opens his stitches. "Fix them."

I do and we don't talk anymore. I get home and fall asleep on the couch, I wake up when someone's nudging my shoulder, "Cas I need to talk to you."

"Dean I'm sleeping, go to Bobby's." I flip over away from the light.

"Cas." he whines. For some reason I roll over.

"Yeah Dean? What's so import-" Dean leans down and kisses me, "What are you doing?"

"Shh Castiel."

And I do, I just let him lean me back down to where he's laying over me. "Dean I can't, you broke me."

"Let me fix it." He kisses my jaw line and my eyes flutter closed, "Bedroom." he growls out the command and I get up and follow him to my bedroom, knocking a few books off the covers and he settles himself back over me. I look up at him, and his eyes are dark, filled with hunger.

I can't help but ask, "Are you sure." he kisses me again, and that's all the answer I need.

In the morning I wake up thinking it was a dream, but there's a heavy weight beside me and I know it wasn't.

It's not quiet dawn yet, and I have to leave for my shift at the hospital. Dean wakes up when I get out to bed, and he reaches over and grabs my arm, "Where are you going?"

"I have to work, I get off at nine tonight, if you're still here we can grab some coffee."

He rolls back onto the bed, "I'd like that." His hand finds mine quickly, "Don't let me ever do that again Cas baby."

"Never again, Winchester."

THREE MONTHS LATER

I'm cold, beside me, I feel emptiness. I move my arm, my eyes still closed from sleep. "Dean?" a rush of panic seizes me and I sit up in the small bed.

My head spins, but I see a light on in the hallway, Dean peeks his head in the door and smiles at me, "Call from Sammy. You remember Jessica?"

I yawn and stretch my back like a cat, "From when we dated?" I look down at the cheep iron ring on my left hand and smile, "The blonde girl?"

"Apparently she transferred to Stanford and they went out for coffee. He's still hung up on her you know." Dean closes the door behind him and slides back down onto the bed. His knees are pressing against my hip and I lay back down, "Bobby doesn't have anything for me to do today."

"And my shift doesn't start 'til eleven tonight." Dean smiles and I see something in his eyes.

Dean's straddling my hips now and I rock up against him, "Cas baby, don't tease me."

"I wouldn't dream of it." I arch my back up from the bed and pull off the cotton T-shirt I wore to bed, Dean doesn't wear much of anything to sleep in, "Take off your clothes Winchester."


	12. not really a chapter

**Alright, im going to be making a fic about Dean's POV when he's being babysat by Mrs. Novak. So you get wee!Dean and wee!cas and baby!Sam, it's called Hey Jude, yes there is going to be a lot of Dean getting over Mary's death and he's going to find attachment to Mrs. Novak. So go check it out!**


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